So You Thought It Was Easy, Eh?

It's not often that I get an opportunity to give you a glimpse inside the world of the professional kitchen. I've yet to experience a Head Chef inviting me to bring my Fuji to work so he can take snaps of me enjoying my daily routine, let alone encouraging me to bring in a friend with a shoulder-mounted Panasonic to follow me round shooting video clips. At some top restaurants, including the one in which I'm currently working, the publication of photographs and comments about dishes and their preparation is expressly forbidden as a condition of employment. So I was excited the other day when I found some serious footage of life in a Spanish Michelin-starred kitchen. Well, I say serious footage...

Yes, I'm afraid you're right. It's a reality TV programme about cooking in a Michelin-starred kitchen rather than the real thing. I did, after all, say "a glimpse inside the world of the professional kitchen" in my introduction. The reason I've made the effort to bring you the clips below is that they convey something of the sheer terror experienced by an amateur cook in a professional kitchen. It's a feeling I well remember from my own first tentative steps into the world of fine dining. What makes it worse is that the victim in this instance is no ordinary, shy, home cook. Nadia Sawalha is an actress and presenter, well used to being thrown into hot spots. Moreover, she won Celebrity Masterchef 2007, so she knows a thing or two about cooking. Or does she..?

Before you enjoy the video I should explain the context. Nadia's task has been set by Jean-Christophe Novelli, although she doesn't know this at the outset. She only discovers his identity when she eventually cooks his lunch at Restaurante Tragabuches in Ronda, Andalucía. So when, at the start, she says to camera: "I bet you wish you had my job", she's referring to being in fabulous, sunny southern Spain - not waiting hand and foot on Jean-Christophe's every pleasure. Mind you... Here's my insider's guide to the clips. Feel free to ignore my comments and move straight to the action.

Dead right...	Nadia's first task is to sit and taste the food that she is about to cook. I can't stress the importance of this enough. Before I apply for a new post, I always visit first to sample the food. Professional chefs don't cook by recipe but by instinct and palate. The running order is passion, art, technique. In these clips you see what happens when all three of these let you down just a little bit. Combine all three and you have a truly great dish.
Just for UK television...	"Spain's very own, no-nonsense, in-your-face answer to Gordon Ramsay." If it doesn't effing mention effing Ramsay, it ain't effing British TV cooking.
Sing us another one...	"[Head Chef]... has something different to anybody else. He's got a little bit of a temper... Benito doesn't take any prisoners." Actually, Benito Gómez was brought back to introduce a degree of calmness and stability back to Tragabuches in 2005 after wünderkind Dani García (now at the brilliant Restaurante Calima) reputedly started to impersonate Scott Hastings in Strictly Ballroom and introduce more and more unorthodox ideas into his art. Every Head Chef has "a little bit of a temper" and Benito is no exception, but I'm sure he's far from the worst. Toughness goes with the territory.
Yes, it really is true...	Pro kitchens are sometimes even smaller than this one. How does everyone work in such a small space? Not easy, but you get used to it. And compactness helps when several chefs are simultaneously plating up a dish while also looking after those on their own sections.
Pastry cheffing is bloody hard...	Poor Nadia. If her ice cream is too cold it won't scoop. If it's too warm it will destroy the texture of her crispy pineapple crackling. It's a bitch.
Timing is everything...	1. Perfect execution + late delivery = bin. 2. "It's 7am and already Benito is lying in wait for Nadia. She's five minutes late." Bad idea.
Everyone stops to watch...	Other chefs only stop work when you're Nadia Sawalha and they are enjoying watching you trying your damndest but ultimately failing to get the dishes the way they should be.
So that's what they were for...	You didn't believe me when I wrote about my tweezers and cut-throat razor, did you? Slice the tomato with the cut-throat and pluck the hake bones with the tweezers. Perfecto!
For a ha'porth of tar...	Just one crystal of Maldon salt - but what an important component to forget! The tomato soup dish requires such complexity and perfection of execution, yet is totally transformed by that one crystal. Just like my favourite Catalan dish of chocolate, olive oil and salt.
You're never alone...	"To be able to walk into a kitchen like this and to be able to have responsibility for making dishes by yourself...Bravo!". Actually, although as a chef de partie you have responsibility for all your section's dishes, it's rare for any individual to contribute every single element of a dish. Cooking at this level is a collaborative effort and you need to be a team player. Also, you're unlikely to find yourself working on starters, mains and desserts on the same service. But that's TV licence... and, on the BBC, that's something we pay for!
Enjoy it...	"If I've got a bit of advice to give to Nadia it's very simple - enjoy it". No, this is not Jean-Christophe's chat-up line but his advice that, as in most fields of endeavour, good work and stress are incompatible. "Air-lift me out of here, right now!" Relax, girl. And try not to set fire to the place.

As with all TV celebrity cooking programmes, the reality is that some poor sod had to leave his own section every two minutes to help out, while still delivering his own orders. If it wasn't for that unsung hero, Nadia's output would probably have been a disaster. Still, at least he presumably got the Equity walk-on, non-speaking, TV supporting artist's rate of £83.80 plus repeat fees. Whereas someone like me can look forward to a 14-hour working day on contract for about €35 a day, or absolutely nothing if employed on a training stage. But then who said this profession was well-paid? Oh, yes. I knew there was something I forgot to mention. In the real world we don't just serve dishes like these one at a time. I've had groups of up to 25 customers ordering a menú degustación... and that means plating up 25 identical dishes in parallel - and then repeating the exercise for the other courses on the menu for which I'm responsible. And some tasting menus have 12 or more dishes. I thought I'd throw that in, just in case you were getting over-confident. But I don't want to sound arrogant. I also f**k up from time to time and Nadia did really well, help or no help. Very few amateurs would do better. But then who said this profession was easy?